How to Prevent Conflicts from Turning Toxic with Gabe Karp

INTRODUCTION: Welcome to The Daily Bolster. Each day, we welcome transformational executives to share their real- world experiences and practical advice about scaling yourself, your team, and your business.

Matt Blumberg: Welcome to The Daily Bolster. I'm Matt Blumberg, co- founder and CEO of Bolster. And I'm here today with Gabe Karp. Gabe is a former litigator, which should strike fear into the hearts of many CEOs. Former litigator turned startup exec turned VC at Detroit Venture Partners and also Light Bank in Chicago. Gabe is the author of the bestselling book, Don't Get Mad at Penguins: And Other Ways to Detox the Conflict in Your Life and Business. Also sounds like a great read, I have not read it yet, but it is on my list now. Gabe, welcome to The Daily Bolster.

Gabe Karp: Thank you for having me. By the way, it's available, everywhere books are sold. Shameless plug.

Matt Blumberg: Okay, good to know. So here's my question for you, Gabe. CEOs and founders particular, but I think any CEO is passionate about the business that they run and it's kind of what drives them. But it's also something that leads right into frequently conflict with investors, board members, sometimes key clients, sometimes even members of the team. So I'd love to hear the three things on your list that CEOs can do to prevent those conflicts from turning toxic and getting into the way of their life and running their business. And I'm guessing this is a good lead into your book as well.

Gabe Karp: It is, I'll avoid book references. But yeah, three things, and I'll spend a minute on each of them. But one is making people feel heard, two is dealing with ego, and the third is genuine curiosity. So just a bit of context, most organizations view conflict as a bad thing, that should be avoided at all costs. The problem with that is that conflict is unavoidable and early- stage CEOs, they're just constantly moving from one conflict to the next. And while healthy conflict propels the organization forward, makes us all better. Toxic conflict slows us down and causes pain. It consumes an organization's energy and taxes, the ability to compete, grow, and prosper. So the key is to detox it. And one of the most common sources of toxic conflict is bad communication. So the three ways, one is making people feel heard. So let's say I'm trying to resolve a conflict with a CEO, I want to put all my energy into explaining my position until I believe the CEO gets it. And I inaudible that I can't move past that step onto resolving the conflict'cause I'm not going to be willing to work on a resolution with someone who doesn't even understand what my needs are and why I have them. And the more time that takes, the more energy is consumed, the more frustrated I'll get and it just makes everything bad. So imagine you are the CEO on the other side of that equation, the sooner you inaudible, you understand my position. The sooner we can move forward and work on a resolution and the more energy we'll have between us to do it. The trick I use to make someone people feel heard is whenever I'm trying to convince someone to adopt my point of view, I don't even try to do that at first. At first, I put all my energy in explaining their position to them better than they even said it themselves. Because when you can create that moment where we've all had it, what it's like you're talking to someone, it's frustrating, maybe you're fumbling with your words and then you're like, someone says something and you're just, " Oh, yes. Okay. They get it. Cool. Now I can move on and move to the next thing." So that's one. Two is ego. We all have it, it's a big toxin and conflict. And the tip is this, catering to your own ego is costly. But catering to someone else's ego is free. So if you find you're dealing with someone whose ego is driving a conflict, just feed that person's ego. It'll cost you nothing. It just recognized this person has a need to feel powerful, so tell them they're powerful, respectfully ask to not use their power to hurt you. In my experience, a 100% of the time, people become pleasant, agreeable, accommodating. They're joy to work with.

Matt Blumberg: And are those two things related, making sure that they feel heard and feeding their ego?

Gabe Karp: Absolutely, yes. And the first one is factual and tactical. The second one is emotional.

Matt Blumberg: Emotional. Okay.

Gabe Karp: But you can't separate them.

Matt Blumberg: Yes.

Gabe Karp: And then the third one, which also kind of drives the other two, is genuine curiosity. Have that,'cause it drives all the right behavior. Bad listening is usually at the heart of most disagreements and heated arguments. So if we adopt a mindset that our position on any issue has flaws that we're not aware of and that the other position, the opposite position has strengths that we can't yet see. If we're in the conflict with someone who has the opposite position, view that person not as an adversary in the conflict but rather as a really valuable resource who can help us discover what we're missing. And when you inaudible, they're not going to view you as somebody who's trying to cram your idea down their throat. They're going to view you as, " Oh, this is someone who's actually genuinely interested in what I have to say, and I have to say it." And that just breeds a really good vibe into the dynamic.

Matt Blumberg: Yes. Someone once told me, " Ask someone for a favor and they'll be your friend for life." And the third one feels a little bit like that. It's different from genuine intellectual curiosity but it is engaging them around their strengths.

Gabe Karp: Yeah. Well, I would say that the way it's very similar to genuine curiosity is when you say to somebody, " Look, can you do me a favor? I really want to understand what you're saying." So just hold my hand, walk me through it, so I get it. And that feeds someone's ego and it does all the right things.

Matt Blumberg: Gabe Karp words to live by. I'm now very curious about why your book is called, Don't Get Mad at Penguins. But we'll save that for another time. Thanks for being here.

Gabe Karp: Excellent. Thanks for having me.